Honestly...

    The other night while the Cowboy was roping, I sat at home and watched a TV show. It's one of my favorites, but I ended the episode in tears. One of the characters was struggling with infertility. How well I know that pain! Most days it doesn't bother me at all. It's kinda like that bill that gets lost in the pile on the kitchen table. Every once in a while it raises it's ugly head and demands attention. It won't be ignored. Honestly....annoyed.

    So you sit there at your kitchen table, scratching your head, trying to figure a way to attempt to pay this thing. We all know the "Bill Roulette" game. Put them in a pile, shuffle and hope the one you pick to pay this month doesn't hurt too bad. So these are the reasons why I've been behind in posting and absent on the Facebook page. Honestly.....overwhelmed.

    Sometimes as "ranch hands" we go through feelings that other ranchers might not feel. I know I have feelings as a "ranch hand's wife", that the normal ranch wife might not feel. I've done my best to be content with the things laid out on my table. I've made a home out of some houses that I'm glad we didn't have our daughter in. I've always felt that I could make any house into our home, with our things about us, and the family and values we hold so dear. Honestly....Grateful for that experience

    Along the lines of feelings......I know I'm not the first woman to ever feel this, but I feel as though some ranch wives might not. There is a house for sale down the road that has a little bit of land with it. We would still keep our present employment by all means, but it would be enough to have a few cows of our own on. When we walked out of the house, I started to cry. Not sobs, just tears running down my cheeks, struggling to get past my sunglasses. When we drove away, I was surprised to see a tear well-up in the Cowboy's eyes. "Can't you just see all of our babies in the upstairs room. We could stack at least 6 in there. And I'd put a cook stove in that kitchen, so you could yell up the stairs and wake them up to go bring in more wood." I think he was having visions of Spencer's Mountain (old movie with Henry Fonda that was set near Jackson Hole, WY---it's a good one). I was having visions of an empty room, same as my stupid womb (that, by the way, I'd like to punch in the face, if it was a person, that's how mad I am at it). Honestly.....heartbroken

     I too saw my babies growing up in that house. Outside I saw my garden, flowers coming up, chickens, a new coat of paint, morning coffee out on the porch, family gathered around a grill in the summer heat, and our last name on the mailbox. Inside I saw my dinner table full of family at the holidays, stockings hanging from the mantle, a new coat of paint here and there, a freshly refinished hardwood floor, fires in the wood-burners, and the pitter-patter of small feet on the creaking boards of an old house. A place of our own. Honestly....jealous and heartbroken.

    So that's what's been on my mind as of late. That, in addition to the usual things this time of year. Calving records, doctoring for scours, checking heifers, doctoring mastitis, having lambs in my lap for a day and a half (till we could find her a momma), keeping the house (failing on this part), running errands, running 3 web sites and 4 facebook pages, attempting to market my photography, oh yeah, wife and mother. This is why I was staying away from posting, not because I was too busy, but rather because I'm too honest with myself when I write. Honestly.....need to write more, maybe that will make myself, take a load off! =)

    I'm glad most of my readers are of the female persuasion, otherwise people would just think I'm whining and ungrateful. I know the fellow "estrogens" out there know where I'm coming from. This ranch life isn't always so romantic. I'm so glad you do understand, or are at least willing to listen. =) Honestly....grateful.

 

These are types of self-portraits....which I don't normally do. However, I think this week it was more than appropriate.

    Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes, with the sun on your face, and acknowledge the looming dark clouds that are all around...

 

Then you have to just throw your head back in the Wyoming Wind, and perhaps yell at the stupid dark cloud that is lurking overhead...

 

Now, after all that, you usually have a new outlook, because when you look up, behind those dark clouds, comes the white cotton-candy puffy ones that let the blue sky and sun play peek-a-boo and you smile...

 

(Insert big band sounds complete with full string section and the smooth Nat King Cole)

Smile, though your heart is aching,

Smile, even though it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by,

If you smile through your pain and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow, You'll see the sun come shining through, For you...

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness, Although a tear maybe ever so near,

That's the time you must keep on trying,

Smile...

What's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worth while,

If you just smile.

Comments

[Jan Carbone]

Kacee-- YOU are an amazing writer, and I enjoy and feel you in your writing...GOD has his plan for you and you need to sit back and enjoy the ride...If it is meant to be it too will happen....You have YOUR wonderful husband and your angel MUNCHKIN...Everything else is gravy on them taters....:) <3 Our daughter is haveing a baby boy in July and they have a son that is 13 years...Sometimes it just takes a little more time than you want....Keep your posts coming we are all together here to support YOU....

[You know me, but it's anonmyous because no one knows]

Completely know how you feel... we cannot have children either, any. And it's painful. Some days you almost feel like you can accept it, and then other days you feel like the world is going to end and you can't stop crying. And we are so ingrained (or atleast I am) to think of family as husband, wife and kids; that when you dream of the future the kids are always in your mind even though you know it can't be.

[Mandie]

I am glad you write what you feel, it is REAL!!! Real touches people! Being a ranch wife is a whole different thing and it is and emotional thing cause you have more than just wife and mother as a role. but ranch life is hard. I MISS IT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH IT MAKES MY CRY ALL THE TIME! But at the same time it couldn't pay all our bills and we were at the wim of another person and not just for a job but for our house and everything as you know. So wanting that house that is yours and safe and solid and there always is not something to blink at. I think we all want that place of our own:) I will be praying for ya:) And don't not write because you think it is whineing, I guarantee you are helping someone else and yourself by getting it out:)

[Jency]

It's like you were writing about ME here, I am there with you! Being a ranching wife, living the ranching life, living ON the ranch, it's hard. We love it, but it's hard. I want more than anything to have a huge, smooth running ranch, a nice, clean, big house, children to fill it, my husband to be home by dinner time so on and so forth. I've found it's okay to cry about it sometimes but it's so much better to just stop, breathe, relax and count my blessings. Everything happens how AND when it's supposed to :)

Thanks for this post :)

[Anna in AZ]

Wow, so touching. So easy to relate to you on some of these things but I'm too scared to write about it all. Praying for you.